Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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