it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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