Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
