i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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