watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
