Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
