Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
