she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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