He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize