it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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