Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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