I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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