Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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