I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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