I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
