I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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