you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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