hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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