covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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