Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
