I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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