we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
