Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
