never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
