Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize