i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Cover your peen. We're going out.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
