I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
