I accidentally had phone sex last night
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
