Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
