I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
