Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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