guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
