Four minutes until I can fart!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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