he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
why didn't you poke me back
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
