You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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