So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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