Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
