I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
