So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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