I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
