So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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