saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
