I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
