im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
