Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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