i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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