hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
