I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
