I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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