You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
