I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
