Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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