dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize