This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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