i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
