About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
